Later…

Okay so later I’m going to do a post that needs a bit of preparation so see you later!

Thanks Pandas,

Spyro xx

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Onision style…

Might forget to upload tomorrow so I’m going to upload twice today and if I remember then I will upload as well tomorrow. Like I said this is ‘Onision Style’ a YouTuber who did a video once that really got to me. I wrote half of it a while ago and the rest today.

The problem with being dead inside is you have no funeral because nobody knows. You could feel terrible but still smile. Isn’t it scary what a smile can hide. Behind my smile is a hurting heart. Behind my laugh I’m falling apart. Look closely at me and you will see that the girl I am isn’t me. If I touch a burning candle, I can feel no PAIN. In the ice or in the sun, it’s all the same. Yet I feel my heart ACHING. Though it doesn’t beat, it’s BREAKING. And the pain I feel here. Try and tell me it’s not REAL. I know that I am dead. BUT IT SEEMS that I STILL HAVE SOME TEARS TO SHED…

You can save everyone but who saves you? Nobody. I’ll be forgotten in time. No matter how hard I try I’m a wasted life. I always try to do something good and meaningful but I can’t. I’m never going to. Life is a fight. For what though? What am I fighting so hard for? Love? Happiness? Why? Happiness is something you can search for and never find. Love, well I don’t know.

Saying I can’t be sad because other people have it worse is like saying I can’t be happy because other people have it better. If happiness is just a pursuit for me then why bother. It sounds so good but I’m never going to touch it so why am I trying? Wasting energy on a simple pursuit. Is that really our only purpose? To be happy. If so then I have failed. I am a failure. If not then what is our purpose? Is there a purpose? Why have something to live if it can’t feel or be happy? Am I broken? Should I be happy?

I’m a failure. I fail at everything. I’ve failed everyone. My friends, family everyone I know. I can’t even help it. I always try to make others feel happy. I tried to make myself happy, just once. You never know, right? Now I know. It was wrong. I ended up hurting everyone and myself. I can’t be happy. It hurts so bad. I hate it. I don’t like being sad. I can’t cry anywhere. I don’t have a place to go cry. I just keep it inside until this happens… It just gets so screwed up.

Can I just take a minute?

I’m trying to stay strong, I really am but it’s hard. I was almost in tears in PSE but I couldn’t cry. Not in lessons. See I’m getting tired of trying not to cry and I feel like I have nobody. Some people I can tell some things but not the whole story. I can’t do this. I’m trying not to think about stuff but it’s hard. Once I feel better I’m gonna be uploading more ‘quality content’ but for now this is all I can do.

Thanks Pandas,

Spyro xx

Buzz…

Hearing my phone buzz gives me anxiety. I swear every time I hear it buzz I’m scared. It’s probably about what happened in the summer. Me and my friends were arguing and that was so horrible. Most of the time back then when my phone buzzed it was someone being nasty. I didn’t like it one bit. Now every time my phone goes its scary.

Anyway so life sucks as always. Hope you guys are ok even if I’m not.

Thanks Pandas.

Spyro xx

Banana split…

Well I’m single. It feels weird. I’m free after 5 years. And I’m glad. I’m upset because of all the drama but relieved I’m free. I’m going to stay on my own a while. I want to be alone for now. That breakup makes me not even want to date anymore. Well at least not boys 😉. If I’m going to get into something I want a girlfriend. I’m dead serious as well. I don’t really have much else to say but if you ever need relationship advice or advice in general come to me. People always do for some reason.

Thanks Pandas,

Spyro xx

No…

Too. Cold. And. Wet.

Ugh I have to do my biology homework when I get to school. I was kinda hoping it would get wet in the rain. That way I wouldn’t have to do the homework. It didn’t tho as it was in a waterproof folder. Sadly.

I watched the new fantastic beasts last night and oh my god. I won’t say anything but there.

During the ads last night at the cinema I saw about 7 films I wanted to watch. One of these films was aqua man. It’s funny because everybody talks about how good looking aqua man is but have you seen that redhead?! Just wow.

Anyway thanks Pandas,

Spyro xx

Also, anyone know the redheads character and actress name?

Auto Generated Poem…

I found a site where you can generate a poem with a few words chosen and so I figured I’d put it here.

Whose pencil is that? I think I know.

Its owner is quite sad though.

It really is a tale of woe,

I watch her frown. I cry hello.

She gives her pencil a shake,

And sobs until the tears make.

The only other sound’s the break,

Of distant waves and birds awake.

The pencil is sharp, sweet and deep,

But she has promises to keep,

Until then she shall not sleep.

She lies in bed with ducts that weep.

She rises from her bitter bed,

With thoughts of sadness in her head,

She idolises being dead.

Facing the day with never ending dread.